And that makes me reflect back even further, to more than a quarter of a century ago, to when I landed on these shores for the sixth time but didn't really leave them again for another six years.
I met 3 women who became good friends (4 really- cousin Ruth is a friend too) and collectively were a force in my life. I try to see them all at least once during every visit, which is often a fleeting drink at a pub, a meal up the road, or chat on the phone. I now had a day or two for each and as I finalized when and where I'd see them I got to thinking a little more about them and our friendships.
It's been years of of quick visits, Christmas gifts and birthday cards but I have not really had any time in any of their worlds. On the surface we don't actually have very much in common. Different lifestyles, different careers, different attitudes, different outlooks and opinions about things, different priorities and different paths to get to where we are now. Our lives interesected for only those few shining years when we were first defining ourselves. We are who we are in part because of each other. I am embedded in them as they are in me, and everything I do is touched in some way by their influence.
But a friendship is a living thing and it must grow or it withers and dies. This is not a sad event, but means that sometimes the old times are the only thing shared, and it's the tenacious Christmas cards that prevent the drifting apart that would have happened naturally years earlier. Is it really possible, I wondered, that a long time friendship like ours, based on years shared that are long gone, still viable? Is it possible to connect on a deeper level or does our interaction remain as it is, a get together when I come over?
One introduced me to her other life, and to her 'new' husband (and although they've been together for many years I'd never met him). We walked and talked all day, then went star gazing in the wee smalls, lying for hours in a quiet country field in the dark trying to witness the promised meteor shower. Here at the seaside on her weekends, she sheds her workaday life and is bouyantly happy. Her joy at having me see this part of her touched me deeply. This woman saves lives and cures evils and to hear her talk about it in the new context of her entire life and not in spite of it was a wonderful shared moment.
The second took a day off from her 'sandwich' lifestyle, full of active children, self-employed husband, beloved sisters and aging parents to bounce between and among. We drove off into the countryside and spent the day wandering around a lovely old pile and its garden. After years as a mum and wife and business partner and sister and daughter, this stunning superwoman doubts she has nothing to offer the workplace after so many years out of it. We talked so much about what has been gained and what it can lead to, that we missed lunch at the pub!
The third was really put to the test as we were in her spare bedroom for over two weeks. We have often stayed with her - that's what she gets for living in London.- and she always puts on a dinner party or two for us to the point where many of her friends are now our friends too. But then she does this for dozens of others - her guest book is in its 3rd edition this year alone I think. So was I now just another of her many guests I wondered? The very day after we arrived she got the long-awaited phone call: her big renovation project was going to start in less than a week,and she only had an idea of what she wanted. Having gone through ourselves more than once, we leapt into action, going to flooring shops and bathroom shops and tile shops and cabinet shops - helping her make the thousands of decisions required. We debated the merits of green vs blue, quartz vs linoleum, stainless vs nickel. And when work had begun, she and I had our toes painted and we drank more than one bottle of wine and so the friendship did move into a deeper level.
When I was young and autograph books were popular among my schoolmates, I asked everyone I knew to sign mine. My mother wrote:
Make new friends but keep the old
One is silver the other is gold.
I feel like I won three gold medals this summer.
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| Happy with her ornery husband |
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| Missed lunch because we talked so much! |
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| Toasting the start of the reno |
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